I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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