Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
