1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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