John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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