how can u be prego again
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
