If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
