After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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