he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
being pregnant is like rehab
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
