ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
