im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize