also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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