Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
