Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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