Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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