I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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