i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
