She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
