Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
