while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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