So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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