I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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