you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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