ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
