Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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