I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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