I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
smell my finger.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
