I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
