yo everyone went to the hospital last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
