Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
