I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
