Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
