i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
