Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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