I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
