i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
