WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
