Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
