I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
