So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
worst night to have a conscience
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
