So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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