when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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