what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
