i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think my mom watched the whole time
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
