You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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