a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
