That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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