Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
