yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
