Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
