I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
