This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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