man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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