Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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