I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
