matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
