when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
