i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
